The I Hate Fruitcake Hate Page

I Hate Fruitcake

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There is just something fundamentally Wrong, WRong, WROng, WRONg, WRONG! with Fruitcake.

I tried fruitcake *once* and regret that decision to this day.
The taste and texture leave so much to be desired that no amount of eggnog or booze will wash away the lingering aftertaste.

Why would our Fellow Man concoct a food item that *Cockroaches* won't even eat?
It's generally an accepted fact that Roaches have existed on Earth for 150 Million Years and will most likely outlive us (*and* survive WWIII).
Obviously the Cockroaches (and I should add Mice, Rats, and Ants) know something about this dubious culinary concoction that renders it unfit for their consumption.

And yet our fellow man insists on gifting this Putrid Present for the Holiday!
I wouldn't even send a Fruitcake to my Most Mortal Enemy, much less Osama Bin Laden!

At my Parental Unit's annual Xmas Eve Party,
we always seemed to get one of these Loathsome Loafs that would magically appear in our kitchen totally devoid of a To:/From: tag
as if some coward was too ashamed to admit gifting (or God-Forbid, re-gifting) this Food Product from Hell to our family.

My mother spared no quarter (or vitriol) when it came to the subject of Hating Fruitcake.

It was many years ago when Yet Another one of these Horrid Holiday Treats found its way onto our kitchen counter and my Mom proclaimed (in a very loud voice, I should add) for all to hear,

"As God as my witness! If I *ever* get another Fruitcake I will use it as a Doorstop!"

Sure enough, the next year with much Pomp And Ceremony.
A (cowardly) gifted fruitcake was duly enshrined as a doorstop to our living room.

It's been there ever since.....

OVER 20 years to my recollection.

There's a couple of slices missing, consumed by somebody that infamous night.

Other creative suggested uses and applications for fruitcake

If you have other uses for Fruitcake, please send them to me and I'll include them here!


NY Post [DECEMBER 2007] [Faux Fruitcake: A fruitcake for those who despise it]


Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2003 04:37:49 -0500
Subject: Fruitcake
Hi fellow fruitcake hater! hahah

Came across your site while test-searching... you might be interested in knowing about a song on our cd called "Please Don't Send Me Fruitcake"! It's even been featured on the Dr. Demento show :-).

Enjoyed your page, and by the way, we actually tried to feed some to birds and they lighted on it and just flew away. So add birds to the list of animals that won't eat it. :-)

Take care, and happy holidays!

Gene Klosner

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